Does marriage counseling work? That is the question being asked by those who feel their situation is desperate and don’t know what can be done about it. The feelings of hopelessness, sadness and frustration felt by those who are experiencing tough times in their marriage can be so overwhelming that it can cause problems with your health, your job and your ability to parent. Believe it or not the average couple in this kind of distress waits 6 years before seeking professional help. Obviously some don’t stay together long enough to make it to that first appointment.
Some of the obstacles to seeing a Marriage Counselor
Many couples in marital distress may also be in financial distress. The stress that comes with money problems often leads a couple to having more fights, and with those fights often comes a buildup of resentment between the partners. To add to that, most Marriage Counselors don’t take insurance for their services. The reason for this is that most insurance companies want a mental health diagnosis in order for them to pay for your sessions. Most marriage counseling doesn’t involve an individual with a mental health problem severe enough to warrant a diagnosis; therefore you are likely to have to pay for these services out of your own pocket.
Is Marriage Counseling worth the financial investment?
It has been noted in several studies that couples report a similar outcome regardless of if their therapist is a Psychologist, Psychiatrist or Master’s level therapist such as an LMFT, LCSW or LMHC. That is good news for the consumer because Master’s level therapists are usually going to be much less expensive and are often trained specifically to work with couples and families, such is the case with an LMFT. You should be able to see significant results in about 6 to 12 sessions if both partners are committed to the process. That means that for about $1000, give or take, you could save yourself the heartache and significantly higher expense that goes along with a divorce.
What does the research say?
The research on the effectiveness of Marriage Counseling says that the outcomes depend heavily on a couple of key factors. One is that both partners are committed to make the marriage work and are not just going through the motions in order to make themselves feel better about announcing to their spouse that it’s over. Another factor is how well the couple mesh with their therapist. If these factors are in place, over 90 percent of couples report that they got the tools that they needed from marriage counseling to better deal with their issues.
Finding the right Therapist
Finding the right Marriage Counselor is important for a couple of reasons. First of all you want to be sure that the therapist is working from a proven model such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). This model has 30 years of research behind it that shows that it works over 70 percent of the time with very little relapse when the couple completes the full course of therapy. Another big factor in finding the right therapist is that you both have a connection with that therapist and both feel that they represent you equally. Safety in the therapy room is essential. Safety comes from having a therapist who will hear you and protect you from attacks, without placing judgment or blame on either of you.
Things that can undermine getting help…
Assuming that everyone gets a divorce
We live in a throw-away society where everyone knows someone who has been through a divorce and might have even been happier for it. It is true that not every marriage should be saved; there are concrete reasons why someone should not be forced to “stick it out” if their partner refuses to cooperate. But for most of us we really did love our partner at one time and committed ourselves to them for good reasons. In these scenarios we really just want to find those feelings again, we want the kind of relationship we once had, and if that is possible, it is absolutely worth the fight. Regardless of how it might look sometimes, divorce is always a rough time for everyone involved. If you can save your marriage, you should do it.
Waiting too long
The biggest problem with waiting too long to address your relationship is that you may never get the chance to save your marriage. As I mentioned earlier, most couples wait an average of six years after trouble sets in to get help. A lot can happen in six years, including one or both partners giving up on the marriage or “emotionally checking out”. Once that happens, even if you both make it into the therapy room, we are not magicians and cannot change the mind of someone who has decided that their membership on Match.com is more important than making an effort to save their long dead relationship.
One partner won’t go
This makes things difficult for a couple of reasons. One is that it may mean that one partner isn’t as comitted to making the marriage work as the other. Discernment Counseling is a consideration when this seems to be the case as it allows the “leaning out” partner to fully examine what their goals are for the relationship so they can be sure they are making the right decision. Discernment Counseling is NOT Couples Therapy. In addition if one partner won’t go then the marriage will likely either remain in it’s stalled state or will trend towards breakup. Often times, but not always, it’s the man that resists therapy. Read this article to discover How to get Him to Couples Therapy.
Wrapping it up
Marriage Counseling is an investment of time, money and emotional capital. It won’t be easy, especially in the beginning. After a few sessions you should really come to trust your therapist and you should see the process starting to work. You will begin to understand how you ended up where you are, and you may even already see the light at the end of the tunnel. There are absolutely no guarantees of success that any therapist can give you, because so much of that “possible” success lies with the two individuals who are seeking help. I became a Marriage Counselor because I was passionate about being that one piece of the puzzle that can allow distressed couples to find that happy place in their marriage once again.
Richard Tifft, M.A. (IMT #2482) is a professional Marriage and Family Therapist Intern working in Clearwater Florida. My passion is helping good people save their struggling Marriages and allowing love to go the distance. RichardTifftMA.com
If you want to schedule with Richard call 727-223-1625
