Is it always the man that resists Couples Therapy?
We are over generalizing that it will be the man in the relationship that resists couples therapy. But there are plenty of stats that show that many more women pursue therapy than do men. When it comes to taking a call from a distressed couple, it is generally the woman who makes that call. Furthermore I have often taken calls from women who are feeling that she and her partner are in desperate need for therapy, but when it comes down to actually coming in, the man often times backs out and they have to cancel. There are certainly couples where the man is the one pushing for Couples Therapy, but it just isn’t the norm.
Men, Women and Emotions
The two ways most men show their frustration is by either getting angry or shutting down and withdrawing, getting quiet or moody. On the contrary, when something goes wrong in a woman’s world she will often want to talk about it or she may break down in tears. These are two very different ways of handling the same underlying primary emotions such as sadness, fear, shame or frustration. The average man is raised from childhood to be doer rather than a feeler. We men were told as children, “Big boys don’t cry, now wipe your tears and run along”. Girls on the other hand were interacting socially from an early age; this allowed them to understand their own feelings as well as the feelings of others as they grew to adulthood.
Why don’t most men like couples therapy?
When a man is faced with problems in his relationship it can feel like he’s suddenly landed in a foreign country. The woman in his life may be pursuing him for answers, wanting him to talk things out, wanting him to tell her how he feels. This can all seem really overwhelming to a man who certainly has emotions but doesn’t know how to get in touch with them, label them, or process them. The idea of having to go to a therapist and demonstrate how much he doesn’t know about what is wrong in his relationship is a frightening prospect. All he knows is that he is most likely the problem and will be the target of both the therapist and his partner.
What can be done to ease the tension?
As the more emotionally intelligent partner, usually the woman but not always, you will need to be more aware of the pressure you’re putting on your partner by asking for something he doesn’t know how to give you. Rather than demanding answers, try using empathy to create a safe environment for him to engage you. For example “I know this is all very frustrating and overwhelming, it really makes sense that you would want to withdraw from me when times get really tough between us”. Or “I understand why you’re angry, this is all very frustrating. I just want you to know that I really love you and I know we can work this out together”. It is really hard to be angry with someone who is showing you tenderness and understanding. These are exactly the kinds of statements that a therapist would use to get the withdrawn or angry partner to get more in touch with those difficult primary emotions.
For a more in depth look at the things you can do on your own to help your marriage read How to Save an Unhappy Marriage.
Education about the process can make Couples Therapy less intimidating for men
Although couples can do a lot in terms of Self Help, the ultimate solution for a distressed couple is Couples Therapy. The therapist has been trained to identify cycles that the two of you may regularly fall into without even realizing it. The therapist will also understand how to work with both sides; not just the withdrawing partner but also the pursuer. Couples Therapy is not about finding out who is at fault or placing blame. The fault in almost every case is the cycle, or the interaction between the partners. Couples Therapy is not about taking sides or judging either of the partners. A good Couples Therapist will remain absolutely neutral between the partners because they understand that the real client is the troubled relationship.
For for information about Couples Therapy and how well it works read Does Marriage Counseling Work?
Richard Tifft, M.A. (IMT #2482) is a professional Marriage and Family Therapist Intern working in Clearwater Florida. My passion is helping good people save their struggling Marriages and allowing love to go the distance. RichardTifftMA.com
If you want to schedule with Richard call 727-223-1625
