A Little Background
I personally went through Couples Therapy two different times in my life with two different therapists and had two very different experiences. My uneducated opinion about those experiences back then, and my educated opinion about them now are about the same, neither was very good. Unfortunately you will find this to be case quite often; therapists will try and be a “Jack of all trades” instead of focusing their practice, and their training, on a specific area such as couples work. Neither therapist in my experience was working from a model that had any research backing it up. I know that now because I know that there are very few Couple Therapy models that are backed up by research and they unfortunately weren’t practicing any of them.
The purpose of this article is to help you understand what the process of Marriage Counseling, or Couples Therapy if you’re not married, will be like when you see me. I work from a model called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy or EFT, which has been around for about 30 years and was founded by Susan Johnson. EFT is one of only a couple of therapy models that has the backing of research to prove that, if practiced competently, will be successful for over 70 percent of the couples who complete the full course of therapy. EFT is also shown to have very little relapse, once you understand your partner through the EFT lens you are very likely to never need Couples Therapy again.
What you should expect from any therapist
There are a few basic principles in this profession that I would hope you would expect from whoever you chose to be your therapist, regardless of if you are seeking Couples Therapy, family therapy, group therapy or individual therapy. One of those principles is that your therapist will respect your confidentiality, which means they will do everything they can to protect your name and why you came to see them from the public at large. Therapists will often discuss your case with a clinical supervisor so they can be sure they are giving you the best possible care, but even those discussions will usually not include your full name. Your therapist should do their very best to maintain professional boundaries with you, meaning that they will not engage in any other relationship with you other than that of being your therapist. Lastly, your therapist should respect your desire to find the best fit, if you decide you just don’t click with a particular therapist you should not be afraid to let them know and they should not pressure you to keep coming back to them if you don’t feel comfortable doing so.
What you should expect from your Couples Therapist
In addition to what I just talked about there are a couple of other things that you should expect from a professional that you want to serve as your Couples Therapist. You should expect that your therapist be impartial between you and your mate. A good Couples Therapist takes the side of the relationship and what is best for the relationship rather than the side of either of the partners. Sometimes through the course of Couples Therapy your therapist might seem like they are taking sides because they may be spending more time with one partner and focusing on the issues of one partner over another, with a good Couples Therapist this all usually evens out by the end of the overall course of therapy. Your therapist should be non-judgmental of you and your partner and should not react negatively when you open up about difficult and sometimes shameful secrets that you may have. The exception to this of course is when those issues run contrary to the laws in your state. Depending on what it is that you tell your therapist, they may be mandated to report that information to a state agency. This usually involves abuse and neglect of minors and the elderly and may also involve threats of harm to yourself or to others.
Couples Therapy with me
When I meet you and your partner for our first session my goal will be to do two things immediately. The first is to make sure that you and your partner feel like my office is a safe space for you to speak openly. That means that I will maintain enough order between the two of you to make sure that no one is being shut down or intimidated but will keep things loose enough so that I can watch the dynamic that naturally plays out between the two of you. The second thing I do in our first session is make sure that whoever is talking is heard, not necessarily by the other partner but by me. By making sure that the person talking knows I am listening and that I fully understand what they are saying I start to develop an alliance with that person. Obviously that alliance needs to be built with both of you and by making sure that each person gets a chance to speak and be heard, by at least me, I hope to develop an environment where you both begin to trust me with the awesome task of helping your relationship become a loving and nurturing place for both of you.
How EFT plays into what I do
Other than creating a safe space and making sure both partners are heard in our first session I will also be looking for a relationship dynamic that tends to play out with most couples. That dynamic usually involves one partner pressing for the other’s attention while the other partner feels overwhelmed and either gets angry, shuts down, or some combination of both. These roles are commonly related to gender but not always, we can actually play either role in different relationships, and within the same relationship. I will be looking at how the behaviors related to these roles play out in your relationship and the emotions and intentions that are behind those behaviors. I will be working through the course of several sessions to help each of you understand your partners’ behavior in a way that makes them look much less scary, pathetic, or uncaring to you. You will eventually begin to understand your partners’ motivations for their behavior as well as you understand your own, therefore making them lovable again.
Wrapping it up
Couples Therapy is a specialty field in the profession of psychotherapy thus making it something that should be practiced by those who have focused their attention, their practice and their training on couples work. There are Couples Therapy models that are backed by extensive research demonstrating their success. Emotionally Focused Therapy is quickly becoming the most widely backed Couple Therapy model and is the model that I use with my couples. EFT resonates with me completely and has been shown to have amazing success with couples who suffer with issues of infidelity, PTSD, depression, grief and recovery from addiction. EFT has also shown to be useful for couples who eventually decide to divorce because they can now empathize with their partner even if they have decided marriage is no longer right for them. As your therapist I will be the consummate professional while allowing you to know that I care for you and for your relationship. The alliance that I build with you and your partner will allow us to dive in deeper and define the negative cycle that you and your partner are engaged in; therefore bringing it to light so that it feels more manageable and much less scary. You and your partner will learn how to see each other differently, in a way that allows you to let your walls down so you can invite them into your world again. Eventually at the end of our process you will see your partner as your one and only and will not be afraid to ask them to be there for you anytime, anywhere and for anything. Some would call that a “Soul Mate”.
Richard Tifft, M.A. (IMT #2482) is a professional Marriage and Family Therapist Intern working in Clearwater Florida. My passion is helping good people save their struggling Marriages and allowing love to go the distance. RichardTifftMA.com
If you want to schedule with Richard call 727-223-1625
