What is Codependency?
The term “codependent” came out of the addictions world nearly 40 years ago. The idea behind the term was that it was meant to describe how non-addicted individuals can get themselves into a dysfunctional dance with their addicted partner. The cycle of enabling the addictive behaviors is problematic because it only perpetuates the addiction. Most of us can understand what that looks like, or you may have known someone who has been caught up in that vicious cycle. You could for example see a non-addicted wife buy her alcoholic husband booze in order to keep the tenuous balance in place in the home where she has to keep up appearances and care for other family members to cover for his addiction. What we can say about this enabling behavior is that it is absolutely problematic, but that behavior may have deeper meaning behind it that comes from a place not readily understood.
The term codependency has unfortunately been generalized to mean any kind of relationship that on the surface seems too needy. I’ll often hear a client describing the reason an old relationship ended as “we were much too codependent”. It’s interesting when people say this because I get the idea that everyone has their own idea about what “codependency” looks or feels like. There is even a diagnosis in the DSM-V (The manual some therapists use to diagnose disorders in clients) for “Dependent Personality Disorder”. When you read what the DSM has to say about this disorder you are left with the idea that if you are unlucky enough to be diagnosed with this particular disorder there really isn’t much you can do about it.
Is there another way to look at Codependency?
As an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist I see the world through the lens of Attachment Theory which often gives explanations about people’s behavior that helps us make sense of it from an attachment perspective. For example why would the woman in the example above work so hard to maintain a seemingly disastrous balance with her addicted spouse when she could just leave him. The answer could be that our attachment bonds are powerful, and although the alcohol is now akin to a live in lover the woman tries in whatever way makes sense to her to show her love to her spouse and to get his reassurance. I realize this seems to be a very sad explanation for her behavior and indeed it is. In EFT we say there is no such thing as codependency, only effective or ineffective dependency.
Attachment theory tells us that as human beings we are hard wired for connection and our social tendencies are what have allowed us to survive in a world where we were far from the strongest or the fastest on the plain. We humans attempt to attach to many others but we primarily attach to our love interest as the one we are gambling will be there for us when we need them most. In other words dependency is very much a part of who we are and if for any reason we don’t feel that those connections are solid we can behave very erratically as we try to get reassurance from those we depend on.
What else can be said about Codependency?
Our culture teaches us that we should be strong and independent and not rely too heavily on others. Although there may be some merits to this philosophy, when it comes to love dependency is just part of the recipe. We either become closer and more well bonded as our time with each other passes or due to missteps and misunderstandings we become anxious or shut down with our partner as a strategy for maintaining whatever bond we feel we have left. This would be an example of ineffective dependency.
Well bonded couples are dependent on each other and don’t care who knows it. Well bonded couples have a feeling that their partner is with them and that they are loved even if they are apart for extended periods of time. This is called secure attachment or effective dependency and it is the emotional platform that allows us to go out and make a difference in the world while still feeling that we are loved, protected, and cared for by our partner.
Ineffective dependency can be devastating to our sense of self-worth and can lead to anxiety, depression, addiction and affairs. Negative cycles arise out of the attempts to get reassurance from our partner and no doubt these cycles can get really ugly when they get out of control. A good EFT therapist is trained to recognize these cycles and to help de-escalate them so that you and your partner can start to hear each other again. Once the flow of communication and understanding start once again partners feel less resentful and more empathetic towards their lovers’ experience. Even bonds that have suffered through addiction, affairs and years of anger and disconnection can be rebuilt if both partners are willing to rededicate themselves to the process of therapy.
So to answer the question…
Are you in a codependent relationship? The answer is most likely yes. However the question remains are you in an effectively dependent relationship or an ineffectively dependent relationship? You will have to determine that for yourself. If you determine that your relationship needs help I suggest you find a therapist who is trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. You can find a therapist in your area with this training by going to the ICEEFT therapist directory. If you are in the Tampa Bay area you can call me for an appointment using the information below.
Richard Tifft, M.A. (IMT #2482) is a professional Marriage and Family Therapist Intern working in Clearwater Florida. My passion is helping good people save their struggling Marriages and allowing love to go the distance. RichardTifftMA.com
If you want to schedule with Richard call 727-223-1625
