How Discernment Counseling came to be
Throughout the years as couples came before judges and divorce attorney’s it was noticed that very often there was ambivalence in one or both of the partners regarding what they were doing and if it was in fact the right thing for themselves and their families. When William Doherty was made aware of this fact he started doing research on the matter and developed a type of therapy to help those couples make certain of their decision before it was too late. William (Bill) Doherty is generally credited with founding what is now referred to as Discernment Counseling, or the process of couples working with therapists to cut through the heightened emotions that often surround a distressed marriage to determine, or discern, what their true path should be.
Why is Discernment Counseling needed?
When Bill Doherty started his research he found that an ambivalent couple was generally made up of a “leaning in” spouse and a “leaning out” spouse. If both partners were leaning out of the marriage, divorce would be fairly certain. If both partners were leaning into the marriage, but the marriage was still in distress, there would typically be unanimous agreement that marriage counseling is needed and both partners would be willing to work hard towards a resolution. When one partner is leaning out, while the other is still leaning in it can be difficult to know what to do. This is where we get the process of Discernment Counseling, to help both partners accept the final decision of one of three options.
What is the goal of Discernment Counseling?
The goal of Discernment Counseling is to work with both partners in 1 to 5 sessions to come to an agreement and clarity about one of three options. The options are, 1) Keep things as they are, in other words no further counseling and no imminent plans for a divorce. Option 2 is to agree that the marriage will end in divorce, and option 3 is to put any talk of divorce on hold for a period of 6 months while the couple enters into Marriage Counseling with the agreement that both partners will give it their full investment during that period.
When is Discernment Counseling not appropriate?
There are a few scenarios when Discernment Counseling will not be helpful or appropriate for either partner. The first is if the “leaning out” partner is not actually “leaning out” but has in fact made the decision to divorce. They might be agreeing to counseling just to appease the “leaning in” partner or to show others that they did all they could. Often people find it easier to deliver bad news to their partner if it is in the company of a therapist. It may be difficult for a “leaning in” spouse to know if their partner is in fact “leaning out” or done, this can usually be determined in the course of one session. The other reason this therapy would be inappropriate is if the “leaning in” partner is in any way coercing the “leaning out” partner to participate via threats or blackmail. Lastly, If there is any danger of domestic violence or if there is an order of protection in place between partners that would preclude them from communicating or working together in therapy.
What Discernment Counseling is NOT
Discernment Counseling is not just an avenue for a Marriage Counselor to convince “leaning out” spouses to enter into therapy. The true goal of Discernment Counseling is clarity and confidence about the next steps in the relationship. During the process of attaining that clarity each partner will come to understand about what has happened to the relationship and what each partners’ contributions were to the problems they face in the marriage.
What does the process of Discernment Counseling look like?
Each Discernment Counseling session is made up of 5 parts. In the beginning of the session we will spend time as a couple so that I can get to know the two of you as the couple you are right now and so that I can understand how you came together and how you got to where you are. From there I will meet with the “leaning out” partner individually so that I can fully understand their feelings and their ambivalence regarding the marriage. We will explore the three options together and we will talk about how you have contributed to the current state of the marriage. From that individual time we will give a summary to the “leaning in” partner and then I will meet with the “leaning in” partner individually. We will discuss your feelings about wanting the marriage to survive and discuss your contributions to the current state of the marriage. From there we will deliver a summary of that meeting to the “leaning out” partner. Lastly we will come together once again as a couple and as the therapist I will reframe what I heard from both of you and we will determine if we want to go forward with another Discernment session or if any other decisions can be made at that time.
To wrap it up
What Discernment Counseling offers is a place of safety for both partners to explore some difficult terrain. It is quite possible that there have been conversations that needed to be had for years but were avoided because of the fear of opening that Pandora’s Box. Having these conversations with a trained therapist in the room gives both the “leaning in” and the “leaning out” partner protection to be heard and understood. It also provides a middle ground for those who have been feeling like something desperately needed to change but weren’t sure they could commit to Marriage Counseling and also weren’t sure that they wanted end the marriage. Committing to only this short period of 1 to 5 sessions is sometimes all it takes to help clear the haze of negative emotion that has been clouding judgments and can allow both partners to see their relationship in a new light of clarity.
For more information about some of the things you can do on your own for a relationship in distress read “How to Save an Unhappy Marriage“.
Richard Tifft, M.A. (IMT #2482) is a professional Marriage and Family Therapist Intern working in Clearwater Florida. My passion is helping good people save their struggling Marriages and allowing love to go the distance. RichardTifftMA.com
If you want to schedule with Richard call 727-223-1625
