If you are reading this post you obviously have some feeling that your marriage is not all it should be. Perhaps this is a recent development or more likely things have been building and brewing for years. Whatever place you are coming from you are to be commended because you have now taken the first steps to saving your unhappy marriage.
Things that may lead you to believe you have an unhappy marriage
- Lack of intimacy – A lack of physical closeness such as non-sexual (kissing, holding hands) and sexual touch
- Lack of emotional closeness – Taking the time to listen to each other, sharing your experiences, planning your future with common goals
- Fighting all the time or just not talking at all – Either one of these can signal real marital distress. More than likely the things that you’re fighting about are not really what is at the heart of the matter
What you can do to start making a difference in an unhappy marriage
Start noticing your cycles – Who is the pursuer and who withdraws? Occasionally it is something other than this but for most couples either partner generally plays one of these two roles. If you notice that you are the pursuer, ask yourself how you are going about that. What kinds of things do you say that seem to cause your partner to withdraw. If you are the one that withdraws, what are the kinds of things that your pursuer says to you that cause you to shut down? What are you feeling when that happens?
Take notice of the emotions that you feel when you’re pursuing or withdrawing – Anger is a secondary emotion and a defense mechanism, that means it’s driven by a primary emotion such as fear, shame or sadness. Which of these is what is driving your desire to pursue or withdraw?
Speak to each other from an emotional place – When you figure out what emotion is driving your behavior with your spouse, try approaching them with this emotion first. For example, “I really feel afraid when you come home and yell at me”. Or “I feel so lonely and sad when we don’t talk”.
Ask yourself what it is that you need from your partner – You might feel that your significant other is more interested in their work, the kids, their friends, or their golf game than in you. When you want to express to your partner what they’re not doing right or what they are doing wrong, try approaching them with a softer, more emotional tone. Try to convey to them what you are not getting emotionally from the interactions you’re having with them. “When I asked you to help me with the house and you ignored me I felt sad, it felt like I didn’t matter to you”.
Ask your partner if they would be willing to work on the relationship with you – Even if they refuse there are things you can do on your own to start making a difference.
How do you make a difference if your partner is unwilling to work on the marriage?
This is the much harder road for sure but more than one marriage has been saved by one committed individual taking the first step and discovering that the changes they make to themselves can have profound effects on their significant other.
What kinds of changes can you make that will positively affect your angry or withdrawn partner?
Just the act of becoming more aware of how you ask your partner for connection can soften your partner’s defenses as they realize something has changed for the better. Remember take notice of what you need and ask for it in an emotional way. Avoid at all costs sounding judgmental, blaming or angry; this may be especially hard if that is all you’re getting in return. The change in your partner is something that is not likely to happen overnight. Patience and a steady dose of the softer, more emotional you will likely cause your partner to start lowering their defenses as they suddenly see the climate starting to become safer for them to open up and meet you in the middle.
Last but not least, saving an unhappy marriage is best done with the help of a professional
Tremendous strides in research have been made in the last 20-30 years pertaining to why marriages succeed and what it takes to bring them back from the point of no return. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is one of the methods that is proven to be extremely successful with very little relapse, if the couple follows the full course of therapy. If you’re interested read my article Does Marriage Counseling Work?
All of this means there is hope! If you feel that you have an unhappy marriage then working with an EFT therapist would be in your immediate best interest. However, if only one of you would even entertain the idea of going to couples therapy, you may need to first start with some of the skills in this article. In time, you may be able to create the climate necessary for you to have a conversation with your partner about going to couples therapy.
Richard Tifft, M.A. (IMT #2482) is a professional Marriage and Family Therapist Intern working in Clearwater Florida. My passion is helping good people save their struggling marriages and allowing love to go the distance. RichardTifftMA.com
If you want to schedule with Richard call 727-223-1625
