What I see a lot of in my practice are partners who are unable to be with each other in a meaningful way when one partner is unhappy or suffering and making a bid for connection. One scenario might be when one partner is upset about something that happened in their day or about something that is troubling about the relationship. If the partner who needs to talk feels unsafe they may say something like “why don’t you ever listen to me”? The partner on the receiving end of this might very well think, “Oh man what did I do now”? I better just keep my mouth shut to keep this from getting worse. Of course this sends the message to the first partner that indeed they are not interested in hearing me and they sincerely don’t care for me. I’m alone in this relationship and I can’t trust the person I am supposed to be in love with. Both partners are fully engulfed in fear of what the other person really thinks and the very real feeling that we might be on the brink of the end.
What does it mean to be emotionally available?
Have you ever heard the old adage that “Showing up is half the battle”? I would correct that to say that showing up is probably 80% of the battle. In fact the only reason it’s not 100% of the battle is that it does kind of depend on how you show up. If you are there but say nothing and just look at the floor then that is barely better than being alone. If you say nothing but look someone in the eyes with genuine concern while they tell you what’s on their mind, now you’re really getting up there. If you have that look of concern and also say a few words about what you just heard the person say, especially in the face of what sounds like criticism, well now you truly have the battle fully in hand.
Why is empathic listening so hard?
Listening with compassion to someone we really care about is hard because we are such meaning making machines. From the moment someone we love starts talking to us we’re off to the meaning making races, our brain is frantically working towards trying to figure out what this person is actually trying to tell us. We are instantly weighing the words we hear against their tone and their body language and finally against all of our internal fears about what they might really mean. Because our fears weigh in so heavily when we try and be there for someone they often take over and tell us that what’s happening is not safe, or that if we don’t act immediately we may lose an important fight for this relationship. Believe it or not most defensiveness comes down to a real fear of losing our relationship and being alone.
Life experience contributes to the meanings that we make
What also contributes to the meanings we make when someone we’re close to comes to us with a problem is how we have understood and dealt with problems in the past. What do we make of a couple who fights? Did our parents fight? Did they survive those fights and reconnect again or did it lead to days of silence or to some sort of violence. Did our parents ultimately divorce? What happened to us in our early relationships and how much of that is still lingering within us when something comes up that feels familiar to some of those previous experiences. We are all a product of every experience, good or bad, that we have had in our lives. Some of those experiences have made us stronger and more resilient but some, if they were not dealt with in a healthy way, have left us with wounds that continue to affect us years later when things feel all too familiar to those painful experiences.
The power of being there
One of the ways I really see this dynamic play out is when there has been an affair. Affairs rarely end a committed relationship upon their discovery and many couples will come to see me immediately afterwards so they can figure out how to go forward with their lives. I often see the one who committed the injury as really wanting the relationship to survive even though their actions seemed to say something different. If the injured partner is willing to try and keep the relationship together the struggle becomes the cycle that is created by the affair itself. When the injured partner is triggered by something that reminds them of the affair they will often get very emotional, ask lots of difficult and sometimes embarrassing questions, and sometimes get very angry. This usually sends the injuring partner into a shame-hole where they withdraw or get defensive and angry themselves. That reaction tells the injured partner that there is something to hide or that the person that hurt them so deeply really doesn’t care enough about them to really understand the pain they are in. This negative cycle is very difficult to break, but when the injuring partner can put their shame aside and really be with their lover in the pain that they have caused them, it is a beautiful thing. True healing starts to happen and a new understanding between the partners is born.
Are you there for me?
As Sue Johnson says, humans are bonding mammals that depend on a few others to be really close to us and be there when we need them most. In today’s world our love relationships have taken that role almost exclusively as we become more and more isolated from our families and usually have very few really close friends. We don’t take the things people at work say to us as personally as we take the things our lover says, why? The reason is simple, our love relationship is critical to our internal feelings of safety and security. Being alone, truly alone, is terrifying for most of us and so when it seems that the person we have deemed our one true love is often criticizing and we feel we are always failing them, we panic, and get angry or defensive, or just shut down. If we are making a bid for connection and it seems like our partner just doesn’t care, we panic, we get loud and angry, all in an attempt to reach them. These are the typical cycles I see on a daily basis in my practice. People who desperately want to connect with each other but are stuck in the meaning making mud.
Richard Tifft, M.A. (IMT #2482) is a professional Marriage and Family Therapist Intern working in Clearwater Florida. My passion is helping good people save their struggling relationships and helping love go the distance. RichardTifftMA.com
If you want to schedule with Richard call 727-223-1625
